


The lesbian counsel

by Zoya113



Category: The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: F/F, F/M, The useless lesbian stereotype, im a lesbian look I’m allowed to make fun of us, this was an @ at me okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:35:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23037952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya113/pseuds/Zoya113
Summary: Melissa can’t tell if her date likes her romantically or as a friend. Who better to ask than some fellow lesbians?
Relationships: Alice/ Deb, Emma Perkins/ Paul Matthews, Melissa/ Doug
Comments: 13
Kudos: 57





	The lesbian counsel

**Author's Note:**

> For starters this is all for kicks I hc Melissa as asexual I will just put that out there real quick lmao, Paul would also be equally incompetent at figuring this out

‘I love u babe💖💕’ the message said. Melissa could’ve stirred over it for days. What did it even mean? 

She kept her phone on under her desk, reading the message over and over whenever things got slow. Why two hearts? What did that mean? Why didn’t they just spell it ‘you’? Was it a joke? 

She shut her phone off as the front doors opened, but it was just Bill. 

“Good morning, Melissa,” he smiled, stopping by her desk. “You’re looking a little sad, what’s wrong?” 

“Ah nothing. It’s just a message. What’s up? I thought you weren’t in this morning. Weren’t you taking Alice and her friend to lunch?” 

He sighed. “Not her friend, Deb. I am, I just left my bag in my office last night. I need to grab my wallet. Could you keep and eye on them for a second?” He gestured to the two girls who were just coming through the door after him. 

“Yeah sure, baby sitting duty,” she saluted. “I’m on it.”

“I’m sorry, they won’t be much trouble, promise,” he thanked her before hurrying off. 

“Hey gang,” Melissa put on a smile, leaning forward. She had never met them properly before, but she knew they were queer at least. She got one proper look at them and and figured it out right away. The flannel, the docs, the cuffed jeans. Alice’s pastel scheme with the tennis skirt. They were dating. “Hey, I need your advice on something real quick.” 

“Huh?” Deb grabbed onto Alice’s hand protectively. They had never met Melissa before, this was strange behaviour. Although the small pride flag in Melissa’s pencil holder was a bit of a give away and she allowed Melissa to talk. 

“So this person I like sent me this text after our date last night, and it’s like, do you think they like me?” She slid her phone up onto the counter to show them. 

“Hm,” Alice thought on it for a second. “Who’s this?” 

“Ah, They’re Doug. From the HFPD?”

“Oh Doug!” Deb slapped her knee. “Yeah, I know Doug! They almost arrested me once!” She grinned at Alice and Alice did not grin back. “Yeah, sure. I know ‘em.” She played with a button on her flannel.

“Do you think they love me back?” 

The three of them pondered over the message for a second. 

“Hard to tell,” Alice concluded. “We need some context.” 

“Well, I think it was a date we went on last night, and they sent me this like half an hour ago,” she explained, looking at it again. 

‘I love u babe💖💕’ it still said.

“Date?” Deb asked. 

“Yeah. Well, I thought it was a date because they said ‘can I take you to dinner?’ And then we came back to my place but is that like, as friends? You know how girls do that sometimes?” 

Deb and Alice exchanges glanced and nodded thoughtfully. “Well where did you go for dinner?” 

“That fancy place in Pinebrook? But they have a big salary so maybe they just like that place,” she pressed her palms to her eyes. “This is so difficult.” 

“Did they pay for you?” Alice suggested. 

“Yeah, but it was expensive. So maybe they were just being kind. That doesn’t necessarily mean they were flirting. You know?” 

Deb rubbed her chin. “What happened once you got back to your place? Was that a planned part of the date?” 

“Nope. Totally spontaneous. They slept over.” 

“They what?” Alice’s jaw dropped. “Stayed the night?” 

“Yeah! They slept in my bed. They got changed in front of me and everything. But like, I don’t know, that doesn’t necessarily mean it was a romantic evening. It’s just like, friends, right?” 

“We need more context,” Deb murmured, rereading the message. 

‘I love u babe💖💕’ it still said.

“Well they said my makeup looked nice,” Melissa began hopefully.

“Nope,” Deb made a cutting motion below her neck. “Doesn’t count as romantic. Your makeup looks great and that’s not subjective,” she announced. “Facts only,” she shrugged. 

“Well they said my bra was cute but like, platonically or?” She crossed her arms, leaning back in her chair. So hard to tell. 

“Well it probably was cute,” Alice confirmed, biting down on her thumb. “When? When did they see it?” 

Probably at several points across the night. “Oh a lot I think. When I was getting dressed, when I was taking it off, at one point they came up behind me and grabbed my hips and turned me around to push me against the wall and told me ‘you’re so beautiful’ and then we kissed and they unbuttoned my shirt, but you know, my dress was a little low cut, so probably then.” She ran her fingers through her hair even though it wasn’t really helping her brainstorm. “I was in the mood, but were they? I just don’t know.” 

“In the mood?” Alice echoed. 

“For kissing!” She quickly corrected herself. She didn’t know how old Alice and Deb were, but a child was a child. They did not need all the details. 

“Look, from one femme to another,” Alice placed a hand on Melissa’s. “I’ve sort of left it up to the butch. Are they butch?” 

“They’re like a five and a half, a six, they’re futch. I think it’s just because they’re a cop though, does it still count?”  
The three exchanged glances, and panic mode had set in. “God! This is so hard! I just wanna know if they’re really into me or if we’re just friends. Like, we invested in a joint Spotify account together so I can see what they’re listening to, and there always listening to girl in red and hayley Kiyoko. But that doesn’t mean they want a girlfriend, right?” 

“You’re making investments together?” 

“Yeah. They said they wanna marry me one day but like, maybe that’s just platonic, like a thing you say to your friends? I just don’t know.” 

She was about to give up. There was just no possibly way to know. Not even the two girls in a relationship could confirm this. 

“Like yeah, ‘I love u’ but does that mean ‘I love you?’” Alice proposed, pacing the length of Melissa’s desk. “There’s a clear difference.” 

“Oh!” Melissa shot up. “Paul!” The man had just come in, half asleep, phone in his hand, yawning. “Come here!”

“Oh, hey girls,” he blinked, waking up a little. “What’re you doing here?” He came to stand besides Alice. 

“Can I borrow your phone for a sec?” She requested, leaning over her desk. “It’s for scientific reasons.”

Hesitantly he placed it down in Melissa’s open and waiting palm. “For the record, I don’t trust this for even a second.” He crossed his arms to wait, not leaving Melissa unattended. 

She found Emma’s contact, studying their messages for a brief second before sending ‘I love u babe💖💕’ 

“Don’t worry, Paul,” Alice assured him, linking her hand through his arm. “We just have a very important question that needs answering.” 

“Why do I have a bad feeling about this?” He bit his lip, trying to crane his neck to see what Melissa was up to. 

‘??? Love u too babe what’s the texts for tho 💕? Missing me already?’ Emma replied. 

She interpreted it as romantic, right? That’s what the love hearts were for. Did that mean it was a romantic message? 

“What do we think, counsel,” she flipped it back around to show everyone. “So it was romantic, right?” 

“Melissa, what is this?” Paul snatched it back the second he saw she was texting someone, flustered as he read the message for himself. He tucked it tight into his pocket. 

“Well Doug sent me this text and I can’t tell if they’re into me or not!” She paraded her phone around again for the umpteenth time. “What do you think, Paul?” 

He cleared his throat. “I love you babe, with two heart emojis. How else are you reading into this?” He gave the trio an incredulous look. “They love you. It’s right here in writing. Look- they’re just typing again now,” he gave a moment for it to come through, everyone else waiting with baited breath. “Had a great time last night, do you want to come to my place tonight? With a winking face at the end.”

“What’s the wink mean?” Alice’s jaw dropped. 

“That-“ Paul cut himself short, looking to Melissa and trusting that she would understand it instead. 

“No, let her speak. I don’t know what the wink means, Paul.” 

“Deb?” He turned to her with the last of his crushed hope. He wasn’t saying it out loud. 

Deb shrugged. “It could mean anything, man. It doesn’t necessarily mean they wanna, like, you know.” 

He rubbed his temples and handed the phone back so Melissa could devour the message herself. That was a lot of heart emojis. “What happened last night?” 

“They took her out to a fancy restaurant and then came back to her apartment,” Alice explained. “They said they wanted to get married some day. But we don’t know if it was platonic or not.”

Paul only for a second seemed on the fence. “Oh well-“

“Yeah, and then she got laid and-“

“It was just kissing!” Melissa interrupted. “I didn’t say that in front of the kids, Paul. I did not.” 

Paul looked pale for a second, his brows knitting. Reeling and almost about to laugh, was this a joke? “If you’re so unsure why don’t you just ask?” 

“And say what?” She scoffed. “We got to home base, are you in love with me? Yeah, let’s get a round of applause for Mr Matthews here.” 

The three of them gave a very condescending and slow clap. 

“Relationship advice from Mr ‘waited for an apocalypse to get the girl to confess to me,’ yeah. I’ll be sure to take it.” 

Paul frowned, rubbing his wrists as his cheeks reddened. “Well-“

“No, move along sir. I’ve officially discounted your advice. Leave it to the professionals, okay?” She clicked her tongue, glaring at him until he moved on to his own office like a dog with its tail between its legs. ”There’s just no way to know for sure.”

“Yeah. How could you possibly tell?” Alice hung her head, shaking it. 

“There’s like, no way,” Deb confirmed. “I’m sorry, Melissa.”

“Yeah. There’s just no possibly way to tell for sure. How could you ever be certain? I guess it’ll just be a mystery forever.”


End file.
